Nature developed by Nurture -
It is hard to give what we don’t have or what we cannot get for ourselves.
The options to see people as they are or help them when in need, are in each individual’s own model of relationship. This model of relationship is formed in infancy, adjusted and reinforced in adolescences, then hardened during the teenage and young adult years.
The most common misconception humans have is in regards to behavior. Isn’t it obvious that the behavior we see a person acting out is representative of who they really are? All of our feelings and logics say:
“When Joe gets upset, he gets angry. Joe is an angry person.”
“When Mary gets tired she acts sarcastic and puts people down. Mary is a negative person and not fun to be around.”
EXAMPLES:
I always have the opportunity to choose an option (a way to respond or react) that works best for me to understand other people's behavior.
What works best for me is when I assume good, core intentions of the other person.
I assume that the other person, regardless of their behavior (I will say that again for emphasis, regardless of any behavior I observe) is trying the best they can to meet other's and their own needs.
From their behavior it may seen obvious that they don't want to be bothered by me. That leaves my hard wired self feeling rejected, that I should not bother them or that I had better not call them, as they may really tell me what they think about what a pain in the butt I am.
What I believe is really happening is that their container is artificially full. There is no more room at the Inn. Resources are scarce. Time has compressed their world.
Secondly, that their rejection behavior has nothing to do with me. Hard as that is to believe, it was not me that was being rejected. I just happened to express myself behaviorally in a way that set him or her off the charts. The people he or she is really upset with are lodged in their unconscious mind, deep in their past, with no conscious connection to that source.
At the level of my feelings, here is what happens. I have to struggle with TWO distinct forces.
One, my hard wired feelings that take things personally.
Two, with the adult part of my self that knows that I am not personally being rejected. Here in lies the tension I experience in relationships.
So for me it is still difficult to HOLD BOTH feelings at the same time, however in the real world I have found no better approach to staying patient, open, faithful and hopeful about human relationships.
To honor both feeling I might respond in one of the following way to Kevin:
Positive Response
"It sound like things are going well for you. I look forward to seeing you in June. I will set that up with Audrey ."
Empathic Response
" Kevin, I know the feeling. I will call Audrey and set up a date for June."
Value Response
"June will be fine. I value your business viewpoint and sixth sense about what is coming up in the VC world. I look forward to sharing with you what I have found by interfacing with a number of companies and their executives. I will call Audrey and set up a time. Let me know if you would like to get together before June."
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