Normal Relationship Behavior
1. A “relationship model” consists of the rules, boundaries and acceptable behaviors that each of us use when in relationship with our selves and others.
2. Relationships become difficult when our “relationship model” runs out of new options.
3. This is followed by habitual, reactive behavior, which becomes more and more dominant.
4. Reactive behavior can range between violent and aggressive to retreating and submissive.
5. Reactive behavior is whatever behavior is we use when distressed that does not resolve the situation.
6. When reactive behaviors dominate a conversation, “the relationship anomaly” appears.
7. The relationship anomaly is the result of two or more people reacting to and projecting on one another.
8. The relationship anomaly appears with the repetitive use of any behavior that does not get a desired result.
9. Such repetitive behaviors are, but are not limited to, avoidance, withdrawal or shaming; blame and the projection of problem on others; anger, rage, verbal and/or physical abuse that is repeatedly used to solve misunderstandings or state a point of view.
10. When the relationship anomaly takes over a conversation, we feel the loss of control, loss of the upper hand, loss of position, and sometimes feel helpless to move or talk.
How it feels to be the subject of another person’s projection, might be something like the following:
• I do not feel seen, understood, acceptable, chosen and valued.
• I’m frustrated by not being asked questions about what I am talking about, about how I feel or the reasons for what I want.
• I feel out of control, uncomfortable, and unproductive during and after conversations with some people.
• My relationship with some significant people remains negative and unchanged over time.
What Is Normal Behavior?
We find it normal to scrutinize others behavior. It allows us to assess other’s personality, character and the significance of their communication. This is just common sense! “Normal” behavior has always been believed to be a reliable indicator of who a person is, how they think, what they want and their beliefs about others. “Normal” behavior involves a combination of facial expression, body movement, gesture, and tone of voice. We rely on other’s behavior to understand how they feel and what is missing in their life, their work and personal relationships. Because we are normal, in conversation with the majority of people, we agree, disagree and cooperate without much effort.
Furthermore, our own “normal” behavior is dramatically influenced by others spoken and unspoken language. The words they use, the sentences and phrases chosen have a dramatic effect on whether we react or respond to their speech. Also influential is the wide range of unconscious feelings that wash over our bodies as we speak and listen. These unconscious feelings make up a very important unconscious language that we pick up and interpret. This unconscious language is an attempt to show feelings that have no voice or language; feelings that give tone and flavor to intended meaning. Feelings that attempt to show our real or core intentions.
This reliance on people’s behavior, as a measure of who they are and what they want, originates from early childhood conditioning. We are trained by parents to be hypersensitive to particular behaviors they find acceptable or unacceptable. Hypersensitive to how others act, speak and to complex patterns of communication. We are wired from birth to physiologically and psychologically react or respond when others act out. Our hypersensitivity to behavior helps us survive, relate and learn, as well as to control, what we believe is abnormal or out-of-normal behavior.
It is important to understand that people are not understood by behavior alone. Behavior is used to catch other’s attention, not to be representative of who we are as individuals. Our core intentions are what really represent who we are and what we intended. Core intentions differ from the “good intentions.” Good intentions are always conditional depending on others beliefs. Core intentions are unconditional, the same for everyone, everywhere, at all times.
The universal core intentions are to be: 1. Seen 2. Understood 3. Accepted 4. Chosen, and 5. Valued, while in conversation with others.
Core intentional conversations require a language that speaks to these five intentions. This core language is distinct from behavioral language, is unconditional and is not dependent on what others believe.
Core intentional language become crucial when the desired results of a conversation have critical consequences to the people involved. Employee and boss, wife and husband, and parent and child conversations fall into this category. Furthermore, conversations with auto mechanics, police, repair people, contractors, IRS employees, neighbors, creditors and others can have a significant effect on our feeling of wellbeing.
So why do we often experience less that desired results when in conversations with significant people? It is because we evaluate and judge who people are mainly by their behavior rather than their intentions. This produces limited results at best. The relationship anomaly explains the common symptoms of this problem.
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