Introduction
Bringing Behavior Into Alignment With Intentions
This slide show will review the models, concepts and tools you have been introduced to during our weekly sessions. As I have said many times, I do not expect you to remember everything we talk about. Retaining a general overview of the concepts is fine. What is essential is to know how to use the tools at the end of each session.
Here is a list of memory joggers. Reflect on the phrases and try to recall what was implied. Be sure you understand how to use all of the tools. If
you ever have questions, I expect you to contact me ASAP. Your time is valuable. Don't waste this opportunity to become a better leader.
1. All children learn to survive childhood.
"Growing Down" or
Why We Need To Grow Into Leadership?
You are already "Growing Down" if:
1. You are over thirty years of age.
2. You are in a leadership position.
3. The longer you are away from work relaxing, the harder it is to return,
4. The people around you seen slow and lacking in initiative.
5. Changing jobs or companies comes to mind while at work.
6. Life seems to be passing you by.
7. You are not as far along in your career as you expected at this point.
8. Others don't seem to see your unique contribution and value.
9. Someone else always seem to get rewarded for your efforts.
10. You are restless and agitated, but unsure why.
Growing Down refers to a process. A process where we feel a pull or a push to experience parts of life, emotions and feelings, that seem out of our "Normal." There are many excellent
writings on the subject. However, my approach will show that the "Growing Down" process is a natural step in the development of leaders and leadership charisma. Not only the charisma that
inspires others to succeed beyond all odds, but a charisma that makes followers want to join you in the next project, and the next, because of "How You Are," not who you are.
I will use the first twenty-seven lines from "The Divine Comedy" by Dante Alighieri (1265 -1321), to illustrate the unavoidable journey down into our personal psyche. This journey, conscious or
not, will or already is, taking place. The models and skills learned in the Leadership Development Program will use a different lexicon, but the process will safely broaden your personal and professional container to be the kind of leader that can continually lead willing employee beyond normal expectations.
Regardless of our feelings of our uniqueness, special talent or privilege, life will pull us down into ourselves through work, family, relationships, illness, depression, financial loss, and
chronological aging.
In blue type below you can read my interpretation of Dante's decent into his midlife journey. To read the full text of Canto 1, CLICK HERE.
"Going Down" or
Why We Need To Grow Into Leadership?
Canto I: Lines 1 through 27
Translated by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
A Dark Wood The Dark Wood of Error
1 MIDWAY upon the journey of our life
2 I found myself within a forest dark,
3 For the straightforward pathway had been lost.
4 Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say
5 What was this forest savage, rough, and stern,
6 Which in the very thought renews the fear.
7 So bitter is it, death is little more;
8 But of the good to treat, which there I found,
9 Speak will I of the other things I saw there.
10 I cannot well repeat how there I entered, 11 So full was I of slumber at the moment 12 In which I had abandoned the true way.
13 But after I had reached a mountain's foot,
14 At that point where the valley terminated,
15 Which had with consternation pierced my heart,
16 Upward I looked, and I beheld its shoulders
17 Vested already with that planet's rays
18 Which leadeth others right by every road.
19 Then was the fear a little quieted
20 That in my heart's lake had endured throughout
21 The night, which I had passed so piteously
22 And even as he, who, with distressful breath,
23 Forth issued from the sea upon the shore,
24 Turns to the water perilous and gazes;
25 So did my soul, that still was fleeing onward,
26 Turn itself back to re-behold the pass
27 Which never yet a living person left.
Situations and Solutions
Situations
1. Our good intention, experience, education and our desire to succeed often fail us
in achieving the results you wanted from others and/or ourselves.
2. When helping someone change, understand a concept or take a leap of faith, our
good intentions often fall short of our expectations.
3. Holding on to a vision can be as difficult as trying to hold on to a wave.
Solutions
1. Understand how you became "wired" and achieve the results desired.
2. Uncover our core "shadow" characteristics and how they prevent desired results. 3. Learn skills to become on the outside what you intend on the inside. Becoming the wave.
Relationships with
Self & Others.
Forest - Wendell Barry, from 'The Country of Marriage"
"... our life reminds me
of a forest in which there is a graceful clearing
and in that opening a house,
an orchard and garden, comfortable shades, and flowers...
The forest is mostly dark, its ways
to be made anew day after day the dark
richer than the light and more blessed,
provided you stay brave enough to keep on going in ...
The Third Body - Robert Biy
A man and a woman sit near each other,
and they do not long at this moment to be older, or younger,
nor born in any other nation,or time, or place.
They are content to be where they are, talking or not-talking Their breaths together feed someone whom we do not
know.
The man sees the way his fingers move;
he sees her hands close around a book she hands to him.
They obey a third body that they share in common. They have made a promise to love that body.
Age may come, parting may come, death will come. A man and a woman sit near each other;
as they breathe they feed someone we do not know, someone we know of, whom we have never seen
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Getting Seen &
Understood Formula
SEEN
'"*> UNDERSTOOD
)>= VALUE
ACT OUT:
All behavior is a form of acting out. Hiding in a comer or dancing on a table, we are
sending a message. Notice me or don't notice me!
ATTENTION:
We act out to get attention. To be recognized, acknowledged, and respected or to be left
alone. However, attention is temporary and the acting out must be repeated. We are left
empty, our mood shifts and we feel unseen once again.
HARDWIRING:
We are blocked from getting seen and understood because we are dependant on the
relationship/communication model we inherited. We know what is 'normal' for us, so we continue to cycle back and forth between acting out and getting attention.
SEEN & UNDERSTOOD:
At the most basic level we know we are seen when another's eyes say so. From stares
to quick glances. In relationship we feel seen and understood when the other person asks us a question about what we are talking about.
This is the reason we act out through behavior in the first place. We interface with others not only to get their attention, but to be seen and understood by them. Remember, the
degree we have the skills to get seen add understood (filled with Value) is in direct proportion to our ability to see and understand others.
Relationship/Communication Conditioning Model
I. The Basics of How We Get Wired!
1. Survival of Beliefs & Behaviors
2. Childhood Pressure & Stress
3. Hardwiring Fixed
4. Learn to feel like family's feelings
5. No One Holds Back A Better Model
6. 100% Responsible for Feelings
7. No Blame Rule - But Responsible
8. Life is About Relationships
This is the basic model that represents what happens to all children during the ages of 0 to 13 years of age.
Symbols:
We all have ancestors (As), mothers (M) and fathers (F).
O The Circle represents your behavior as seen and filtered through your parents model of acceptable beliefs and behaviors.
A" The Stick Figure is the SURVIVAL CHILD, the other aspect of you that others know little about. When you say "Others don't understand who I really am and how I really feel,"
that's the part I'm referring too.
• Natural Wounds are the normalization or socialization we all receive in order to get
along in the civilized world. "Share your toy's" and Don't hit your sister." These correcting wounds leave every child, and then the adult, with a physical-emotional scar that says, "I am
not ok the way I am. My feelings are not the right feelings. I must bury my feelings and pretend to feel like them."
O Normal Wounds were created when we felt strongly one way and our parents insist on
us feeling in a way they feel is correct. They learned this from their parents, and the parents from their parents, etc.. We become our parents feelings.
Relationship/Communication Conditioning Model
II. Shadow & Projection Creation Parti
0-3 4-6 7-9 10-13
SHADOW is defined as an aspect of the unconscious mind that acts as a dynamic
repository. A repository for behaviors that we were either punished for or there was some other emotional trauma associated with the acting out. These specific behaviors
were relegated to the shadow and then only acknowledged in other people. This is the beginning of PROJECTION (see the developing shadow above).
Sleep
Relax
Search
As an infant we repeat this cycle endlessly. With each
cycle, minute family behaviors take on import. They determine how to survive in this family. Later as adults,
they show up most obviously in our preferences. Even on the job we must work at fitting in, to behave correctly.
The UNKNOWN aspect of the unconscious is created and
strengthened when the search-to-find pattern is altered. It
registers as "my search must have been wrong." If mother did not come when I whimpered, I accelerate the search
with a scream. This acceleration of searching behavior continues into adult life as the way to get seen.
Our patterns of relaxing, sleeping, waking and searching
begin to alter as we instinctually try to survive disruptions insimpleattentiongettingpatterns.Thisisthe
conditioning process every child goes through.
Wake
Find
Search
Find
(Unknown to ME")
Relationship/Communication Conditioning Model
II. Shadow & Projection Creation Part 2
As we mature into adolescence the shadow takes on a dominate role in how we interact with others. As can be seen above, the survival child, and
the two wounds become obscured, though no less powerful. The shadow makes it's influence known to us through our strong reactions, opinions, and
preferences for what is "right and wrong" in other peoples behavior.
PROJECTION is defined as the release from the psyche (shadow) of a characteristic, a behavior we don't want others to see in us, on to another
person, who is in fact acting out that behavior.
This is what makes it so difficult to see the projected characteristic in ourselves. The other person is physically/emotionally acting out and we are
not. People around us also agree that the object of our projection, the
person, is acting angry, uncooperative, territorial or defensive. How could it be the projector who is the problem?
THE KEY to this is the feeling we are left with after we project. The feeling
is either:
1. I feel better about myself - more value. We may say, "At least I'm not like
them!"
2. I feel less good about myself- less value. "I wish I could be like them!"
An example will illustrate.
1. I see a person who weighs more than I do. I feel good about myself.
2. I see a person who weighs less that I should. I feel less satisfied with how I look.
Here is another KEY that takes this to another level. The person being
projected on (angry, overweight, incompetent, rude, ugly, etc.) has felt this projections all their life. The projection is familiar, contributes to their low self esteem and subdues them into doing the very behavior that you are
projection.
Relationship/Communication Conditioning Model
II. Shadow & Projection Creation Part 2 continued
Let's say your partner is overweight. You are concerned for their health. You say, "Don't
you think you should shed a few pounds?" What you are really saying, at the root level, is, "Your not OK as you are!"
LONG-TERM & SYMPTOMATIC SOLUTIONS CHANGING BEHAVIOR & LEARNING SKILLS
Symptomatic Solution
Symptomatic Solutions are well meant classes, workshops,
seminars, and individual coaching sessions that show quick results, at a low cost. However, when things heat up the
underlying problem mysteriously returns.
PROBLEMS WITH THIS AS SINGLE APPROACH: • Temporary results - Primarily for skill building.
• Diverts attention from fundamental problem which seems obscure and costly.
• Actions are taken that lower the "Vision" to bring it in line with current reality.
• Leaves a false feeling that the symptom has been resolved.
• Learning is the type that enables us to adapt or cope.
• Reinforces a symptomatic approach to problem solving, which if allowed to continued may damage the system
by lowering standards.
Long-Term Solutions look at deep survival patterns that allow the client to see the underlying complex behavioral
structures that generate compulsive-addictive behavior or a radical and permanent change in behavior.
• Long-term results - Primarily for behavioral change.
• Focus attention on how the fundamental problem impacts job performance.
• Actions are taken to bring reality into line with the "Vision".
• Learning that enhances our ability to create.
• Results requires manager to also learn new behaviors and obtain support from the organization.
Delay Cost
Time Unknown
Long-Term Solution
Both solutions are needed in a balanced Human Resources program.
tVWork Symptomaticlonger
Solution hours.
Team
building workshop.
Group not commun
icating.
Understand cause of
inappropriate behavior.
Why do the members act
inappropriately when they have
the same desire to be successful?
Hire human
resource expert.
Dont know how to help
employee
change Ibehavior.
Leam about own behavior.
Why do I feel threatened or
so uncomfort able when I have to confront others?
Tell boss your needs.
My boss doesn't un
derstand my needs.
Leam why own needs are not met
by others.
Why did I choose a boss
who is unable to acknow
ledge others needs?
Observed Problem
Survival Behavior Questions:
Stress from
overwork.
Reduce workload.
Why is reducing workload so difficult?
Long Term Solution
By asking survival behavior questions, old, hidden, deep belief structures can be uncovered and named.
Once named, current inappropriate behaviors can be attached to them and new, appropriate behavior can be learned.
THE INVESTMENT
Using only symptomatic solutions to solve problems is a sign of under investment in the fundamental problems that drive behavior.
Under investment means building less capacity, skills, and structure than is necessary for employees to resolve problems.
Appropriate investing means adding or improving capacity, skills and structure of the employees.
Benefits of Healthy Structures
Problems still arise, yet they are seen as opportunities, part of the job.
Personal agendas are an integrated part of the teams overall process.
Others behavior is not taken personally, but seen as feedback about the environment.
Various individual sub-territories are flexible and integrated to meet systems changing requirements.
Individuals find meaning by being involved in solving problems with others.
Members responds, rather than reacts, to others through well defined boundaries.
Openness to teams assessment of inappropriate
technical, administrative or interpersonal skills of team members.
Responsive creative tension is separated from reactive emotional tension.
Works best when the client:
COACHING
1. Realizes they are in a "career limiting" situation.
2. Feels pressure to change coming from many directions.
3. Senses the present is falling apart and the future is unclear.
4. Sees that one area is succeeding at the expense of another.
5. Admits there is something amiss in their behavior.
6. Is open and willing to be involved in a change process.
7. Observes and experiences full support from the organization.
8. Is assured that the boss is also willing to change behavior.
9. Realizes symptomatic solutions that have been tried are inadequate when behavioral changes are desired.
10. Feels environment is safe and confidential.
Is most difficult when the client:
1. Feels like a victim of external pressures.
2. Denies there is a personal problem.
3. Has an extremely introverted emotional style.
4. Lacks basic skills of expression and communications.
5. Has a highly mental (deep thought) managerial style.
6. Is cut off from feelings.
7. Senses fear and mistrust in the organization.
8. Experiences the corporation as dysfunctional in it's overall behavior.
9. A negative picture has befen painted about change and growth processes.
10. Sees that the working environment has succumbed to territorialism,
back biting, blaming, accusing, projecting fault on others, and poor productivity.
COACHING PROCESS
Consultant meets with boss to confirm current and desired behaviors.
Boss obtains agreement of client to be coached .
Initial meeting with client to establish working relationship.
Image Assessment & Questionnaire completed.
Coaching sessions include understanding of: Value and belief systems
Normal versus healthy individual & corporate systems
Compulsive-addictive behavioral systems Process of projection
Reaction versus response to the environment
Destructive cycles
Professional support systems
Skills:
Personal presentation and communication skills
Management and leadership skills Meeting effectiveness
Delegation
Planning and organizational skills
Three way meetings to gain confidence that behavior is changing and to verbalize needs.
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ROLE J
CEO AT COO ML CFO ^^
Sr.V.P.. V.P..
Director Manager
Project Leader
Supervisor Staff -—.
Support \^y
FACTORS THAT OVERSHADOW
AND DISABLE CORPORATE PERFORMANCE
^~~
Purpose Ideals
Spirit
Higher Power
Quest
Vision
Odyssey Path
Philosophy
LIFE'S MEANING
/ LIFE CONDITIONING N
Beliefs And Values From;
Family Friends School Society
Culture Media
Role Models:
Family member Man-Woman ^^
Father-Mother ^^^^^
Major Role Acted Out: Hero
Scapegoat Invisible
Clown Good Child
Student-Teacher
Dysfunction's: Denial of Problem
Abandonment
Verbal, Physical and Emotional Abuse
Shaming Sexual Abuse
Neglect Blaming
Secrecy Perfectionism
i Substance Abuse V©
^^^^» PRIVATE & PUBLIC
ROLES
Man
Woman hd
Mother ^^
Father
PROBLEM: How can the disabling effect of an employees early life conditioning be measurably reduced when their corporate performance is under pressure and stress.
SOLUTION: Because there is a strong correlation between early life conditioning and later career success, the key disabling factors (root causes) that make an employee fall back on
early survival behavior, can be identified. They can then learn to respond professionally to problems, rather than react habitually and inappropriately.
RESULTS: Employees gain more focus, energy, balance, motivation, productivity and self-
confidence; develop a willingness to listen and demonstrate more appropriate leadership behavior, more self-esteem, meeting effectiveness, and delegation; and use clear interpersonal and communications skills overall.
Son CORPORATE
KEY CONCEPTS 100% Responsibility For Our Feelings
For all of the success and setbacks that we have experienced. Learn what it means to be
free, responsible, accountable for our life. Anything less is to except a "victims" role for which their are then no solutions to life's problems. We cannot change people or events, we can only consciously or less consciously participate.
Name the Primary Stressors
Current behavior is driven by unknown, underlying reactions to major stressors in our early childhood experience. In order to survive, to make our world normal, we all had to use childhood magic. This magic made us bad and authority figures right. This magic made us cover over, black out, deny what really happened to most of us by parents and authority who themselves were mistreated. From survival beliefs, to choices made at school, to majors chosen in college, to partners chosen to create families, to the type of organization we joined, to the rewards and promotions accepted, and even to the extracurricular activities we enjoy. All are controlled somewhat by primary compulsive-addictive behavior and fears learned from parents and other authorities as our role models.
No Blame Rule
Adults in our earlier life are not to be subject to shame by our blaming them for what they did not know. We know that shame causes shaming, abuse leads to more abuse in an endless cycle passed on from generation to generation as a most painful inheritance. As we find out more about how our childhood really was experienced, we can affix responsibility for inappropriate behavior on these adults. It is important to the recovery of healthy emotions that we know who was responsible. However, in order to be healthy we must choose to let go of being victims completely. This will take time as well as deep and authentic effort.
Reaction-Response
We only have a choice in our behavior if we are able to feel our boundaries and the effects that the environment has on them. This effect or feedback is essential for life itself. If our
early childhood experiences have required us to shut off feeling and emotions, then we have no sense of the qualities of self. No sense of where our boundaries begin and end when an authority figures approaches. Everything is more or less emeshed. We find ourselves confused when confronted with interrelationships. This is all the "hard wired" programming from childhood. We must leam about the self and the healthy boundaries that separate us from others and leam how to respond from clarity rather than react from fear.
Projection
This has two polar aspects connected by a large continuum. On one side is the positive, natural function of projection. This allows us to see and receive feedback about our ideas and behavior. It consciously and unconsciously tells us we exist. We can see our selves mirrored in others.
On the other end of the continuum, the negative or blaming projection. This is mostly an unconscious projection of less than helpful nature on to another person, a group, an
organization, an ideology, or even a country. The core reason for all of these projections is a fear in the individual of someone seeing in them- selves the same thing they are
projecting onto another. The need to protect and project the deep pain inside, out weighs even concrete, rational facts before our eyes. Underlying all projection is the need to mood
alter away from something.
Key Concepts 2
Projection
This has two polar aspects connected by a large continuum. On one side is the
positive, natural function of projection. This allows us to see and receive feedback about our ideas and behavior. It consciously and unconsciously tells us we exist.
On the other is of the continuum, the negative or blaming projection. This is mostly an
unconscious projection of less than helpful nature on to another person, a group, an
organization, an ideology, or even a country. The core reason for all of these
projections is a fear in the individual of someone seeing in them the same thing they are project on another. The need to protect the deep pain inside, out weighs even
concrete, rational facts before our eyes. Underlying all projection is the need to mood alter.
Mood Alter Addictive-Compulsive Behavior
Addictive-Compulsive Cycles
Family, Corporate, National Dysfunction Survival Beliefs & Behaviors
Inner Child Work
Purpose & Vision
Systemic Thinking Role Models
Meaningfulness Team Development
Conflict Resolution
Suffering
The unconscious anticipation of fear-inducing, painful events
causes in us that which we call suffering.
The fear-laden, painful anticipation of the past. Suffering exposes
our latent, unconscious vigilance.
Show Up
HEALTHY STRUCTURE GUIDELINES
Lead a balanced life between home, vocation and community so you can come to any situation rested, conscious, prepared, full of questions, solutions and energy.
Be sensitive to others needs and pain.
Understand the whole system, the big picture and your own part to play.
Know your intrinsic value in relationships with others.
Pay Attention
Be aware of the total environment internally and externally.
Feelings, emotions, intuitions are all working in concert with intellectual, logical and pragmatic skills.
Be aware of deep fundamental issues through the infinite ways others give clues to there desires.
Tell The Truth
Rigorous, relentless willingness to see the ways we sabotage, deceive and limit ourselves from seeing reality.
To continually challenge our personal mental models mindsets and theories of how life is. Commitment to seeing more and more of the "playing field."
Continually deepening our understanding of the structures underlying current events, and our own inner structures with our own conflicts and behavioral problems.
No Attention To Outcomes
Do all that is healthy and supportive for others by working your own issues first, second and third. All we can do is recover more and more of what we lost in childhood and re-build our inner structure. Through this effort others will automatically be supported. Then they to will also have the choice to react and be victims, or to leam how to respond and be healthy.
VISION AND PURPOSE
Personal vision comes from within and is a focus on results. Personal purpose comes from within and compels us in a direction.
VISION (Warrior)
1. A specific destination, a picture of a desired future.
2» It is concrete.
3. It is getting to a specific place.
4. It is breaking the four minute mile.
Nothing happens until there is a vision.
Vision without an underlying
purpose is just a good idea.
Its not what the vision is, its what it does to energize you.
PURPOSE (Royalty)
1. Similar to a direction, a general heading.
2. It is abstract
3. It is about advancing mankind
capacity & ability to improve the human community.
4. It is being the best I can be.
It is an individual's sense of why they are alive.
Purpose w/out vision has no sense of appropriate scale
Happiness is about living one's purpose.
General Concepts
Creative Tension vs Emotional Tension
Creative or emotional tension is created by the gap between one's vision
(dreams, illusions) and current reality.
It is an energy potential and it exists as a tension seeking release.
Emotional tension results from inner survival beliefs in conflict and threatened by the external environment.
Creative tension Is releases by moving towards fulfillment of a vision. Emotional tension can be released by lessening one's vision.
Goals erode because of our low tolerance for emotional tension.
Eroding of goals, visions, morals, or principles is a gradual process.
We allow our goals to erode when we choose not to live with tension that which allows an active force to be present.
Failure
Is a shortfall, temporary or fatal, that makes evident the gap between vision and current reality.
Provides an opportunity for learning a more accurate picture of current reality.
It is about things that didn't/don't work.
It Is about the clarity of the vision.
Is the pathway work under your feet as you move forward.
Rest-Sleep
Relaxation
Unable to Rest Restless Sleep
Fear of Unknown
Pleasure-Satisfaction Need Arises
Searching Behavior
Object Contact
Searching Behavior
Object Distortion by an adult- child feels inadquate.
Search for Avoidence or Change
Susceptibility to Pain in Anticipation of the Unknown
Hatred-Fear-Anger
Mounting Tension Punishment-Pain
Root Cycles of Behavior Need Arises
Injury-Pain Felt without possibility of knowing cause
Perversion
Paln-Pleasure-Pain
Acting out, attempts to acheive satisfaction
deviating from normal behavior, & substitution of needs
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THE CONDITIONING PROBLEM
Why is it that when a group of good people get together with excellent education, planning and strategy skills, years of accumulated work experience, motivation, and the resources
to complete desired projects, the inevitable happens between the individuals and within groups:
• Communication breakdowns occur,
• Performance and commitment level go down,
• Interpersonal conflicts arise, remain unresolved, and
• Interaction goes from agreement to misunderstanding and distrust.
If we eliminate poor technical, management or administrative skills of employees as the
problem, we are left with the possibility of an internal process within each individual. This process somehow surfaces and disables the employee under stress. This disabling process, rooted in our basic survival beliefs, overshadows our rational, logical mind and can show up in the work place in the following ways:
• Anxiety • Territorialism ♦ Misunderstood communications ♦ A lack of or inappropriate risk taking •Insecurity • Blaming others •Immaturity •Depression
• Indecisiveness • Inability to delegate • Poor decision making abilities • Shortsightedness •Burnout • Lack of diplomacy • Dictatorialism
The Solution
Common sense shows that the above dysfunctional behaviors cannot all be eliminated in the best of employees, nor would we try too. However, often after a period of intense, confidential, one-on-one coaching the employee is able to:
• Identify the conditioning elements that reduce performance,
• Re-focus inappropriate behavior when under stress, and
• Choose new, more appropriate actions that are less limiting to overall
job performance.
Accelerated resolution of the problem is possible because the majority of employees are highly motivated to reduce conflict in their work situation. This is accomplished by:
• Quick identification of and focus on the root causes of most communication breakdowns and conflict,
• Quick resolution of employees problem through learning new communication and practical business skills, and
• Developing a clear feedback process to show specific improvement to their boss, peers, reports and other employees.
ROLE AT WORK
Read each of the following roles thoroughly, sit quietly for a moment and then select the one that feels right in your current job.
Hero
I bring harmony and stability to the company. I often find myself protecting
colleagues from the boss's sometimes inappropriate or abusive managerial style. I will jump in to help a co-worker who is overloaded or organize a group to rebut
unrealistic deadlines set by upper management. I will also stand up against management to let him/her know the frustrations of the our work group.
Scapegoat
I often internalize and feel the company's frustrations. This more than once has
gotten me into trouble. I seem to have an eye for unreasonable job demands and I let them know about it. I know this sometimes Disrupts my colleague, but
I really mean it for their own good. Others often say I fail because of self-sabotage,
by taking short cuts, undermine the boss's authority, or engaging in squabbles with
employees and co-workers who don't understand technical or political solutions as well as I do. If I act out frustrations inappropriately at times with my boss
or co-workers, it's not that I don't care. Maybe I care too much! I can be verbally aggressive and stand up for my rights when necessary.
Invisible
My feelings are turned mostly inwards and I find it best to adapt to the departmental structure and politics. I follow most directions and accepts what policies are
established - sometimes even when they are inconsistent or contradictory. I tend to keep to myself, clam up, withdraw from co-workers and remain quietly in the
background. I try to behave as expected, yet do not overly show my emotional investment in the job. I go out of my way to avoid chaos and stress. I could easily
find another job if this one gets too crazy. I rarely voice my frustration or dissatisfaction.
Clown
I see a lot of the frustration around work, but choose to deal with it by joking about
department's problems through humor and fun. I'm full of wisecracks and jokes to entertain co-workers and often make light of boss's demands in a fun way. I keeps
the tone upbeat, everybody happy and nothing to serious. Life is a party, but my attitude when it's extreme, often covers up my hidden stress and insecurity. If I
thought about others feelings about my role as stand-up comic, they might wonder if I take work seriously enough to make important decisions or handle greater
responsibility.
ROLES FROM FAMILY TO BOARDROOM
Survival
Hero
Scapegoat Clown
Lost Child Good Child
Acted Out
Caretaker
People Pleaser Accommodator
Fool
Co-dependent
Helpful Rebel
Perfect Offender
Victim
Family Parent
Parents' Parent
Buddy Counselor
Winner
Genius
Addict
Saint
Pretty
Hansom
Confidant
Enabler
Religious
Spiritual
Rascal
Cute
Overachiever
Underachiever
Jock
Peacemaker
Referee
Loser
Illness
The Problem
Martyr Mediator
Public
Woman Mother
Wife Man Father Husband Son
Daughter Volunteer
Corporate Archetypal
CEO King COO Father
CFO Queen SR.VP Mother VP Warrior Director Amazon Manager
Sage Engineer Medium
Supervisor Support Labor
Magician Seeker Hero Prince Princess Jester
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HIERARCHY OF NEED, SKILLS DEVELOPMENT AND
INNER STRUCTURE
BELIEFS - VALUES - ETHICS - MORALS - PRINCIPLES - PURPOSE
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THE PRESENTING SYSTEM
Most of us live our daily lives some distance behind our eyeballs. Depending on a
variety of internal and external factors, we automatically move back and forth on a continuum from consciously projecting our thoughts beyond our physical boundaries,
to retreating deep into layered, less conscious states of awareness within ourselves.
Furthermore, depending on our inner beliefs, values, principles and health there is a
tendency to lose conscious awareness of the physical world and retreat into the habitual/addictive patterns of our mind during times of stress, fear or shame.
Lastly, as circumstances internally or externally change so does our face, tone of voice, posture and gestures. Very often we unknowingly give contradictory and confusing messages to others.
0 ./
THE RECEIVING SYSTEM
VI
What is true for the Presenting System is also true for the Receiving System - both operate some distance behind their roles, personality and beliefs (eyeballs). What the presenter does not see is rarely entered into his or her total communication formula. A great deal of clarity is
lost and information misunderstood when the receiver is not focused on the presenter.
The skilled presenter knows that the receiver is showing constant changes in facial muscles, breathing rate, eye movement and other physical gestures and postures while listening.
If we do not possess the skills to continually focus receivers attention on what is being said while we speak, we will pay for their lack of attention and misunderstandings in the long run.
BIRTH
TRANSITION
•Rejection Education
Purpose •Appreciation
THE BELIEF SYSTEM
A
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Defend Beliefs / Show Preferences
•Physical Appearance •Men/Woman Issues
•Spiritual Meaning •Vocation
•Money/Worth »Leve of •Race/Creed/Color
•Relationships 'Life •Success
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THE CONSCIOUS & UNCONSCIOUS PERSONALITY
Omnipresent Continuum Purely transcendental existence
CHOICES
CHOICE . the act or opportunity of choosing or the thing chosen.
OPTION implies a power to choose that is specifically granted or guaranteed.
ALTERNATIVE implies a necessity to choose one and reject another possibility.
PREFERENCE suggests the guidance of choice by one's judgement or predilections.
SELECTION implies a wide range of choice.
ELECTION implies an end or purpose which requires exercise of judgement.
• Every small choice made today brings about a
dramatically different tomorrow.
• Choosing to follow our highest sense of right
is done by trusting ideas that we are
unsure will work.
• We have constant choice to rise above dead
systems; to refuse to be part of those systems that separate people and
create fear.
• No one can help someone who's problem is
the denial of the problem.
• No matter how intelligent or deserving we are,
we will never be better off unless we can
imagine it for ourselves and are willing to shed the skin of our habitual past.
• It is uncomfortable enough to experience
failure when we let go of a failed choice, but it's worse still when the choices we've been living our life by turn out to be wrong.
• In the end it's the choices we made to
learn, grow and stretch that really matter.
• We design our lives through the power of our
choices.
• We can change anything, at anytime, by
choice.
• Powerful ideas are impotent unless made
manifest in some way to make life better.
CORE BELIEFS The Concepts of Home, Family and Peace
The Questions
Where did I come from?
What am I supposed to do while here?
What is my relationship to others?
Where will I go when finished?
Does life have purpose and meaning?
How can I really know the answers to these questions?
The Commonalties
A sense of a within (consciousness, unconsciousness, shadow, primitive).
A sense of a body that I live in.
A sense that choice alters life.
A sense of continuation beyond death.
A sense of connection to something greater than myself.
A sense of home, being taken care of, incongruance inwardly and outwardly. The Truths
Humankinds existence Is Inseparable from sorrow.
The cause of sorrow is craving.
Peace is attained by limiting craving.
The Path
Right Understanding
Right Speech
Right Actions
Right Livelihood
Right Effort
Right Mindfulness Right Concentration
The Actions
Show up.
Pay attention.
Speak honestly.
No attachment to results.
Title
QUESTIONS
Where did I come from?
What am I supposed to do while here?
What is my relationship to others?
Where will I go when finished?
Does life have meaning?
How can I really know the answers to these questions?
COMMONALTIES
A sense of a within (consciousness, unconsciousness, shadow, primitive).
A sense of a body that I live in.
A sense of continuation beyond death.
A sense of connection to something greater than myself.
Relationship
Our partners, co-workers, bosses, friends and even strangers make us feel anxious by stirring up the hidden roots of our original pain. They also seem to display the same negative traits as our parents - that is what makes them so valuable to our recovery.
Relationships with others usually contains a mixture of three factors - Transference, Projection and Denial.
Transference
This is done consciously or unconsciously when we transfer the feelings we had/have for our parents onto others.
Projection
When hidden emotions reach a threshold they are projected onto another person who has similar characteristics as our parents.
Denial
The pain and anguish caused by parents is denied and re-channeled into acceptable compulsive behavior.
Characteristics of Relating To Others
All relationships have a hidden purpose - the revealing of and the healing of childhood wounds
We need to:
Re-create, continuously, a more and more accurate image of others. Take responsibility for communicating our need and desires to others.
Be more consciously intentional in interactions with others.
Learn to value others needs and desires as we value our own.
Contain our projections and find their source in our Shadow.
Continually learn new skills to satisfy new levels of our needs and desires.
Open ourselves to identify abilities we are lacking.
Become aware and nurture your desire to have and be connected to all of life.
Accept that all relationships will change us for the better.
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DEVELOPMENT SPIRAL
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At birth we had a 360* individuality-personality. Very soon after we were instructed by our parents about what was good or bad, right or wrong. By the time we reached 4 years of age,
deep patterns were developed to cover our individuality and form multi-generational patterns into our personality. Our personality was strengthened year by year by showing others our
"best" side. All things that received negative feedback were shoved deep into our unconscious minds. By the time we left home very little of our original self could be seen. Between the ages of thirty-five and fifty-five the back flow of the unconscious begins to release repressed thoughts that tend to throw our stability into confusion. We then either expand and expose our hidden self or we contract and put tremendous stress on our physical and psychological selves.
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Unconscious Blind Spot
• Necessary survival beliefs of childhood cover up inner fear and pain
BELIEF LENS One Way Mirror
experienced when we where young.
• Necessity to keep the pain covered requires strong denial structure and
belief system.
• Acceptable way is to project our hidden negativity onto others making
them a scapegoat. Positive mood alteration takes place.
• Projected thought is held on victim and support for projection is solicited
from others. Group mood alters positively from a negative action.
Projected Thought
Scapegoat
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PROJECTION THEORY
When we are operating from a dysfunctional system, the energy and attention used to relate to the environment is dammed up into oneself. This activates the unconscious part of the psyche, overloads the unconscious, so that one's Shadow comes alive, and then you are caught for better or worse. Either the
personal evil and demons will turn you back to your compulsive behavior or you will find greater inner realization.
This backed-up energy first strengthens the "autonomous complexes" in the unconscious. This can be a war with thousands of different demons within us.
By writing down and with "active imagination" these demons can be dealt with in a way that removes them from the unconscious.
Loneliness can pile up whatever you have in your unconscious. It will come up first in a projected form. Most people cannot stand such a situation like this for long. We need the companionship of other people to protect themselves from the Shadow demons.
One day I decided to go to the Redwoods and stay in a friends cabin for several nights. I was 22 or 23 years old
When we go into nature we need to respect Her power and the effect it can have on our animal nature. If you go into nature alone you must constantly draw a
'golden ring' around yourself by physical or mental means. Your own personal objects will provide the same protection.
Each of us needs a golden ring to protect us from super-personal or the terrifying forces of the unconscious. If we live away from other people for awhile, other
people will project their shadows on us. Yet, warm human contact dissipates those clouds of projection. When people can not understand something they
project their own evil self.
Unconscious Blind Spot Opens
Denial Lens Clears
Wounded Child Felt
INDIVIDUALITY (Meaning)
PERSONALITY (Collective)
PERSONA (Roles)
EXPANDED INDIVIDUALITY PROJECTION SYSTEM
Blind Spot
PROJECTING ONTO OTHERS
A Positive projection: When we positively project a thought onto another person we also own that thought within ourselves.
B Negative projection: When we negatively project thoughts onto another
person we seldom see those thoughts belonging to us. This type of projection is
happening most of the time we are with people. We do it in order to stabilize our own fears and our sense of who and what we are. We must project onto others
what is negative in our own shadows. This is called "Normal" projection. Other
people show us who we are by the reactions and responses they have when we
attempt to communicate. Much like looking into a mirror we see ourselves and
unconsciously adjust our communication with little awareness of the effect. We do this by linking the other person's self with their behavior (If they make a
mistake, they are a mistake).
C Internal projection: When we have low self-esteem and accept internally what another has said about us we make them our higher authority. Healthy boundaries are needed to know what is truth and what is projection.
THE NEED TO PROJECT: CONTROL-RELEASE TENSION
Control Needs (compulsions)
Release Needs (addictions)
The greater control we use to maintain our survival personality, the greater the
corresponding pressure develops to experience release, (i.e. earthquake faults, volcanos, diets, etc..)
It's like trying to hold two beach balls underwater at the same time.
So, in regards to projection of thoughts onto others, the more we deny our own
negative shadow the more we need to project and hold it on someone else. The more pressure their is, the more shame we feel and the cycle requires us for short
term gain to continue projection out to mood-alter.
ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY 1
Addiction is an attempt to control the uncontrolable cycles - the ups and downs of life. These cycles are normal.
Addiction is a process that is progressive - seen as a illness that undergoes continuous development from a definite, often unclear, beginning toward an end point.
Addictions cause an out of control and aimless searching for wholeness, happiness, and peace through a relationship with an object or event in order to produce a desired mood change.
Addiction is an attempt to make emotional sense out of life.
Addiction starts out as an emotional illusion.
Addiction is very logical, but is based on emotional logic. Talk therapy wont work. Client must surface their feelings. Emotional heeds are often very urgent and compulsive. Emotional logic works to satisfy this urgency even if it is not in the best interest of the
person. When emotional pressures build the addict must give into the addiction to obtain relief. Emotional logic pits the person against himself. Emotional logic is
cunning, baffling and powerful.
Addiction is a pathological (abnormal, deviation from healthy or normal) love and trust relationship with an object or event.
Acting Out is when an addict engages in addictive behaviors or addictive mental obsessions.
Acting Out is a way to create certain feelings that cause an emotional and mental shift within the person. An illusion of being in control is experienced when acting out. The mood
change created by acting out creates only an illusion of being nurtured.
Acting Out is a way to escape from the pressure and stress of everyday life and from the shame and pain created by the addictive process.
Addicts keep delaying life issues as a way of nurturing themselves.
Addicts build a defense system to protect the addictive belief system from others.
The addicts suffering takes place on an emotional level. Addicts are trying to get their need from intimacy met through an addictive relationship.
Addicts slowly begin to relate to people like they do objects. People become one dimensional
objects to manipulate. Treating people like objects leads to greater distance and more isolation from others.
Addicts treat themselves like they treat others. In treating themselves like objects, they
subject their emotions, mind, spirit and body to many different dangers, stressors, breakdowns.
ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY 2
Once a person starts to look to an object or event for emotional stability, he is building the foundation of an addictive relationship with it.
The normal way to achieve intimacy involves reaching out to life, to others and then into our selves. In addiction, the reaching motion is almost totally inward to the point of withdrawal. When the addict connects with their addiction, they withdraw and isolate themselves from others.
The longer an addictive illness progresses, the less a person feels the ability to have meaningful relationships with others.
The seductive part of addiction is that addicts begin to trust the addictive mood change because it's consistent and predictable. For addicts, objects are more consistent,
predictable and dependable than people. Addicts don't trust people.
Addictive relationships are guaranteed every time. No human relationship can make that claim.
THE MOOD ALTERING CYCLE
Compulsive-Addictive Behavior - a pathological relationship to any mood-altering
experience that has life damaging consequences. There is a sense of being driven to act out.
"Being Driven" by compulsive-addictive behavior is about the belief that we are flawed, defective and a mistake. It is about the wounded self.
Toxic shame fuels the addiction and continues to regenerate itself.
Feelings of remorse and shame over the
behavior - hangover,
infidelity, demeaning sex, empty pocketbook, loss of job and divorce.
Obsessing about our flaw, we must mood-alter - let our thinking mode
take us out of our emotions, our feelings.
Rituals are followed to habitualize the mood-
Ritual alteration by drinking with the boys, eating in secret,
cruising for sex, gambling, or working excessive hours.
Acting out is done in through drunk enness, bolimia, spending excessive amounts of money, orgasm or burnout.
Acting Out
The process of being driven by compulsive-addictive behavior is an attempt at intimacy with others.
Mood-alteration is repeated to avoid feelings of loneliness, hurt, being a mistake, failure that point to deep feelings of shame.
Each acting out creates more life damaging consequences, which creates more shame. New shame fuels the compulsive-addictive cycle.
THE MOOD ALTERING CYCLE WITH OPTIONS
• Professional support system • Creative fun •
OPTIONS LONG TERM GAINS
Balance of love, work and play * Investigation of critical core questions • 12 Step recovery
program • Normalize diet and exercise • Group sports and social activities • Men's or women's support group • Create a stable financial plan • Clean out unused belongings
• Feeling of emptiness, feeling that your life is
incomplete, something is missing, feel lost or out of step • Sense a void spot inside while unable to
put your finger on the reason
• It must be me - I'm defective, a mistake and
flawed * I'm unlovable as I am, so ...
• I will work, diet, clean, be perfect, controlled,
silent, active, super-achiever so that others will accept me.
• I'm different than everyone else • Working so hard
to be accepted I:
1. OBSESS (think) on my chosen addiction to remove me from emotions,
2. Create RITUALS (eat, cruse, gamble) to maintain the addictions power,
3. ACT OUT the addictive-compulsive behavior to mood alter for short term
satisfaction, and then
4. experience REMORSE and start the cycle all over again.
• Short term damage - burnout, irritable,
depression, colds and flu, allergies, headaches,
getting fired, lose respect, financial setback, lose
friends, and brown outs.
• Long term damage - Black outs, caught by law,
major financial loss, major illness, divorce and
death.
• I thought I would be further along in my career,
plans, goals and rewards • Old ways no longer work as well • I need more and more to feel fulfilled • I feel incomplete, unfinished and lack deep serenity • Feel stuck in a rut.
H EU
P R O J E C T
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A L
T H
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AH LA
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FAMILY AND CORPORATE RULES
1. It is not okay to talk openly about problems.
2. Feelings or emotions should not be expressed openly.
3. Communication is best if indirect, with one person acting as the messenger between two others.
4. Be loyal, good, right, and perfect.
5. Make me proud and give us your all.
6. Don't be selfish.
7. Do as I say and not as I do.
8. It is not "really" okay to play or be playful.
9. Don't rock the boat by asking the wrong questions.
10. If all else fails fire the messenger.
11. Work hard, don't complain and sacrifice.
12. Trust me, I have more information.
13. Product is more important than people.
14. Don't mix your personal and professional lives.
DYSFUNCTIONAL ORGANIZATIONS
Organizations are addicts when.,
1. ...Their processes have become unmanageable and they are powerless to change their organization...
2. ...They have become increasingly involved in the dysfunctional cycle, rather than positive long term gain choices...
3. ...Their organizational processes have lost their sense of values and personal integrity...
4. ...They function primarily out of characteristics such as self-centeredness, the illusion of control, dishonesty, dualism, secrecy, blaming, accusing,
withholding, short term thinking and territorial ism...
5. ...They become progressively out of balance and isolated from feedback coming from their community, society, family, and friends...
6. ...They become internally more chaotic, exert progressively more control over those on whom they depend and on their immediate surroundings...
7. ...Their thinking process is confused, obsessive, and paranoid-like...
8. ...They actively support and reward work addiction as a model for success.
There is no real possibility for change and transformation in the organization unless those involved recognize that they are addicted and function the same as an active addict.
HEALTHY ORGANIZATIONS
It is difficult to give a blueprint for how an organization might behave as it
begins to recover from it's addictive-compulsive process. However, the following may suggest signs to look for as recovery takes place.
1. The mission of the organization would be supported by the structure and appropriate behavioral change observed.
2. There would be awareness that the structure and the system, that is, the
way of organizing the work, are integral to the company's mission and must support and facilitate the work of the employees.
3. Organizations would be moral, ethical and operate from total integrity.
4. Organizations would develop permeable boundaries and remain vulnerable in order to stay responsive to their environment.
5. Communication in recovering organizations would be characterized as multidirectional and based on a common intention that all participants will
win.
6. Leadership in organizations would be diffused and situational - stronger when confusion is present and local when all is well.
7. Organizations would alter their view of change.
8. Would not fire the messenger.
9. Would develop support systems to aid employees.
10. Would support individuals balancing their lives between home, vocation and community.
THREE LEVELS OF REALITY
Unconscoius Reality - Hidden influence, evil, source of projections, wounded
child, inner protection; Unaware of influence of early conditioning, roles
models, pain, fears & abuse that become our survival beliefs and then our talents in adulthood.
Perceived Reality - Barriers, illusions, fantasy, denial; Daily experience is unclear and insecure; Short term & temporal experiences seem to push us through life - little choice.
Actual Reality- Boundaries, recovery, conscious, aware, awake, acceptance;
Daily experience is balanced and healthy; Long term cycles & patterns are understood (truth and myths) and are a choosing process.
RITUAL SPACE
UNCONSCIOUS II (Creativity)
Ritual space is where the mythological and the psychological move into the work
place. In this space we create a tension that allows the mythological to be experienced on a daily level.
The ritual space invites us to move towards integrating the conscious and the unconscious. The space must contain the opposite or shadow of our conscious
thought to allow a radical and permanent change.
Ritual space is temporary, we move into it to begin and out at completion. Addictive space is different in that we compulsively must go back over and over again as the change is not permanent.
Temporary Transitory
Appearance Instruction
Intimate
Humility Unselfish
Acceptance
CONSCIOUS I (Ego)
TRANSITION THROUGH RITUAL SPACE
Look for ashes Find corpse Burial of old/lost Source of pain Sense of loss Unhinged
Lose footing Radical shift
Uprooted life Movement
Wandering Restless
Boredom
Aging Disillusionment
Crises
Disappointment Dreams shattered
Times running out
Must create
container to pass
through door & enter the liminal
space.
LIMINALITY (FLOATING)
Unclear boundaries
Uncertain edges
Unbounded time
Ambiguous space
Not identified with past
Archetype emerges
All structure is dissolved and reformed
Qualities: Humility
Appearance Unselfish
Intimate Instruction
Acceptance Temporary Transitory Encounter S.B. guards
Encounter shadow
Radical & permanent alteration of self.
New identity
New internal center
New qualities
Felt presence
Conscious guidance Discover core
Knowing Direction clear
Significant change Gradual stabilization
Need mentor Support system
Inwardly different & behavior changed.
Container Retort
CREATING A CONTAINER TO ENTER THE RITUAL SPACE
Conscious Self
Unconscious Self
Shadow
Darkness
Evil
Pain
Dark Night dtf
Old Ag
Death
Play / ftin1 Healthy Sexuality
Outgoing Chiidlikeness
Containers are built by developing rituals Capsule that empower person to move safely into
Cocoon Sweat Lodge
Zendo Seed Pod
the Shadow area.
Container is used to heat up feelings of:
Loss Grief Failure
Meaninglessness Entering Mid-Life
Near Death Experience
> To enter LIMINAL SPACE
Work as a container creates a heated tension that allows the client to feel the Shadows presence through relationship, mirroring and cooperation.
father/mother blessing
HIGHER POWER
KING/FATHER
QUEEN/MOTHER
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Son/ Daughter
Desire (purpose, ideal, mission) to serve the King/Queen
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The blessing from the father/mother is about teaching the child how to identify a true King/Queen, how to find them in the outside world and what to expect from them.
However, since the parents have never been truly blessed and have never known the
King/Queen in their own lives, they must rely on their own experience to teach their children. They pass on what they have learned from their parents, who passed it on
from theirs, and so on...
The son or daughter accepts what the parents are able to give and leaves the home to fulfill their innate desire to succeed at some mysterious and meaningful quest - to make it in the world.
However, when the family blessing was not received, the children go into the world wounded, defective, flawed and shamed. They are unable to identify or find a true
King or Queen to set them on their Quest. Instead, acting out of their best attempt at success over and over again the children find themselves without the fulfillment
desired. They become discouraged and turn to prover survival beliefs handed down from their ancestors.
The King/Queen also represents the Father/Mother and Higher Power in us all. We live in a time when the true King/Queen are buried and going through rejuvenation. During those times when their light is absent Chaos or the Shadow side reigns and many people step into positions that, to the young children, seem like King or Queen
positions for all outward appearances. Yet, without the blessing from the parents, who should know what is needed to be successful, we fail to see that inner wisdom
is missing in these self appointed kings and queens.
U£ert:
9. Elixir Or Boon
2. Naming Your Dragon
EXECUTIVE ODYSSEY
1. Call To Change
Feeling Empty
Separation CutOff
Confused Discontent New Direction Unknown
3. Crossing The Threshold 8. Return Create Container
Crossing
7. Flight Or Return
6. Helpers Inner voice
External Realities Common Things
Face Inner World
Symbolic Passage Mid-Life Crises
4. Challenge Encounter The Shadow
Structure Is Dissolved Unclear Boundary, Issue,
Attitude or Emotion
Ambiguous Blockage Can't Be Destroyed, but
can be conquered and transformed.
Archetypes
5. Encounter With Inner Source
Receive Comfort, Strength, and Guidance
Gift of Knowledge, Healing or Object to bring back.
Complete Transformation of Life Purpose & Objectives See clearly new direction, path or purpose
MYTHOLOGICAL KINGS & MODERN LEADERS
SACRED KING/QUEEN
Represents:
Generativity Decentralized
Fertility Openness
Creativity Grace
Empowerment Mercy
Calm
Justice
Order
Acts By:
Long term thinking Blessing Confirming Acknowledging ADMIRING
Recognized by others because:
He will gather powerful people around him.
Constantly admires his people for their unique contribution.
Initiates and promotes his people.
Creates sacred space and improves realm.
Rules through cooperation.
All emotions appropriate to situations.
Trusts people to do the right thing.
WOUNDED KING/QUEEN Represents:
Decay Paranoid Sterility Hoarding
Stagnation Territorial Fear Distant
Chaos Centralized
Greed
Mob Rule
Acts By:
Short term thinking
Withholding Accusing Blaming Secrecy
Recognized by others because: Uses people for own ends.
Hires people who are less capable than himself.
Rewards only those who hold party line.
Exploits sacred space and sucks realm dry.
Anger is disproportionate to situation
Spying on everyone and no trust of others.
Castrates sons and daughters. Rules through fear.
"D" Questionnaire YES NO Do you seek approval and affirmation?
YES NO Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments?
YES NO Do you fear criticism?
YES NO Do you overextend yourself?
YES NO Have you had problems with compulsive behavior?
YES NO Do you have a need for things to be perfect?
YES NO Even when life is going smoothly, do you anticipate problems?
YES NO Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
YES NO Do you feel responsible for others well being?
YES NO Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to take care of your own needs?
YES NO Do you keep barriers between yourself and other people?
YES NO Do you respond with anxiety to authority figures and angry people?
YES NO Do you feel that people in general are taking advantage of you?
YES NO Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?
YES NO Do you attract and seek people who tend to be compulsive?
YES NO Do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone?
YES NO Do you often m|#trust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?
YES NO Do you find it difficult to exprfeSs yOur emotions honestly?
YES NO Do you think parental behavld*- taay havfe affected your adult success?
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IIC"
S" Questionnaire
YES NO Do you feel like you're trying to give birth to some new aspect of your life, yet the clarity of it seems just out of reach?
YES NO Do you ever feel like you would like to abandon everything and start anew?
YES NO Would you like to re-work your attitudes and personality around a new, wiser you?
YES NO
YES NO
Does the thought flash in your mind that there must be something else you should be doing to give your life meaning?
Do things in your life seem less meaningful as time goes on?
Is there an unrecognizable tension inside you that makes you feel
like you are going to fly apart at times - like you must be a
YES NO
little crazy?
YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO
Are the ideas and desires of friends and family becoming more
trivial compared to what you think has more meaning?
Do you feel like you have outgrown aspects of your life that used to hold excitement and challenge?
Did you expect to be further along with achieving your personal and professional goals by this time in your life?
Have you gotten to the top of the ladder and found that it's against the wrong roof?
Does the way your company managed itself seem chaotic, misdirected, somehow missing the potential it could demonstrate?
Has your idealism taken a few too many hard blows and you feel its more difficult to malhtain your integrity?
Have you recently experienced gritef over remembering past events or failures in your life?
Are you unable to communicate Htow you really feel to people
who are clbSe tti ybu, that they would not understand the
changes going on inside, that they might feel you have lost contact with reality?
Work Addiction Questionnaire
Read each of the 25 statements below and decide how much each one pertains to you. Using the rating scale of:
1-Never True 2-Seldom True 3-Often True 4-Always True
Put the number that best fits you in the blank beside each statement.
1. I prefer to do most things myself rather than ask for help.
2. I get very impatient when I have to wait for someone else or when something takes too long, such as long, slow-moving lines.
3. I seem to be in a hurry and racing against the clock.
4. I get irritated when I am interrupted while I am in the middle of something.
5. I stay busy and keep many "irons in the fire."
6. I find myself doing two or three things at one time, such as eating lunch and writing a memo, while talking on the telephone.
7. I overly commit myself by biting off more than I can chew.
8. I feel guilty when i am not working on something.
9. It is important that I see the concrete results of what I do.
10.1 am more interested in the final result of my work than in the process.
11. Things just never seem to move fast enough or get done fast enough for me.
12. I lose my temper when things dont go my way or work out to suit me.
13. I ask the same question over again, without realizing it, after I've already been given the answer once.
14. I spend a lot of time mentally planning and thinking about future events while tuning out the here and now.
15. I find myself continuing to work after my co-workers have called it quits. 16. I get angry when people dont meet my standards of perfection.
17.1 get upset when I am in situations where I cannot be in control.
18. I tend to put myself under pressure with self-imposed deadlines when I work.
19. It is hard for me to relax when I'm not working.
20. I spend more time working than on socializing with friends, on hobbies or on leisure activities.
21. I dive into projects to get a head start before all the phases have been finalized.
22. I get upset with myself for making even the smallest mistake.
23. I put more thought, time and energy into my work than I do into my relationships with my spouse (or significant other) and family.
24. I forget, ignore or minimize important family celebrations such as birthdays, reunions, anniversaries or holidays.
25. I make important decisions before I have all the facts and have a chance to think them through thoroughly.
TOTAL SCORE
WORK ADDICTION:
THE ACCELERATION SYNDROME The Acceleration Syndrome is present when we:
• Regularly act and process multiple tasks and information at the same time.
• Compulsively turning up the level of noise and chaos to feel right.
• Live at an accelerated pace, with relentless intensity and constant stimulation.
It becomes a problem when there is less and less a choice and more and more an addictive-
complusive need to live this way. We choose time-urgent, high intensity lives and often become habituated to a high level of stress. We become chemically addicted to the rush of
adrenaline which is maintained by living life at this high level of excitement. We begin to
hyper-edit everything in our life, yet never fully engaged in what we're presently doing. We speed along the surface feeling little meaning in what we do.
If we keep up this pace for extended periods we will suffer life damaging consequences at home, at work and in our personal relationships.
As a results of living at this accelerated pace we:
Live life in the future.
Have addictive overdoses of adrenaline in our system.
Only skim the surface of life's meaning.
Never take enough quality time for introspection on our life.
Miss out on the nurturing of relationships, friendships, or children. Substance and process abuse to maintain accelerated pace.
Have more health problems such as: high blood pressure, heart attacks, ulcers, over/under
weight, abnormal number of colds/flus, and irritability, impatience, anxiety, fear, phobias, intensity, aggression and anger.
SOLUTIONS
• Take time to listen to your present feelings while you go through each part of the day. Be present with the present. Stay awake and conscious.
• If you become aware that your accelerating, just sit down and listen to that acceleration.
How does it make you feel, now! Let it cook inside you rather that projecting it on others. After a few minutes the fear and anxiety will be replaced with a new awareness - the
objective observation of your insanity. Stay with it until you feel relaxed. Only then return to your previous task.
• At any time you don't know what to do, sit quiet and do nothing. Just wait. In a short time the way will be made clear to you.
HEALTHY QUESTIONS
What business are we in? OMIOT pi/0) Where do we get our resources?
!P1!@(DESS How do we produce results? ©dJTIpyT What are our products and rewards? Sy ISYiTEHS What functions do we perform?
i What are our rules, roles and responsibilities? MY How do we fit into the larger system?
FEEOIM^ How are we monitored and regulated? LTA^mM'M^ Who is in charge and when?
Write out a quick overview of your system using the above questions. Then check
your ideas out with the following systems concepts to see if in fact you have a viable system.
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